Clear your throat, warm up your vocal chords and get in a musical mood – the Christmas carol time of year is here.

Of course the holiday season just wouldn’t be complete without another batch of personal Christmas cheer, my annual carol lyrics more suited for our modern society than those old-fashioned fantasy holiday themes from so long ago.

You know the melodies. After all, we’ve been hearing them in the stores since Halloween. Just substitute the lyrics below for some instant Christmas fun.

The first carol, to the tune of “’Tis the Season,” is an ode to the horrors of Black Friday:

Black Friday is finally past,

Oh fa la la la la,la la la la.

The hype’s been wearing on me fast,

Oh fa la la la la,la la la la.

The ads keep pounding in my head,

Oh fa la la, la la la, la la la.

‘Til the joy of the season is dead,

Oh fa la la la la,la la la la.

There are still huge sales before us,

Fa la la la la,la la la la.

So shop to the tune of the Jingle Bells chorus,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Yes we still have cyber Monday,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la

Huge discounts every Saturday and Sunday.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Of course a number of carols sing the praises of winter’s cold and snow. I don’t know about you, but ice and deep drifts do not put me in a mood to celebrate. So, to the tune of “Here Comes Santa Claus,” let’s sing it like it really is:

Here comes a winter storm,

Here comes a winter storm,

Blowing in from the north.

We’re gonna have huge snowdrifts,

Bitter winds, ice and so forth.

Pipes will be bursting, people cursing,

All won’t be merry or bright.

So stay in bed and cover up your head,

‘Cause a winter storm comes tonight.

Here comes a winter storm,

Here comes a winter storm,

Hope your snowblower runs.

‘Cause clearing a driveway and the walks

With a shovel is no fun.

Your back will be breaking and your joints aching,

With frostbite settling in.

So chug a few shots of Christmas cheer,

Winter misery soon will be here.

And how could we get through the holiday season without “The Twelve Days of Christmas” droning on and on? Here again is a true-to-life lyrical version, “The Twelve Months of Christmas.”

In the first month of Christmas my true love gave to me,

The credit bills for January.

In the second month of Christmas my true love gave to me,

A marked-down display model Christmas tree...

In the third month of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Past due Christmas bills ...

In the fourth month of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Orders to take down the outdoor lights ...

In the fifth month of Christmas my true love gave to me

A sale flyer for Christmas in July ...

Well, you get the idea on this one.

These lyrics may not quite match up with some of the great Christmas classics like Da Yoopers’ “Rusty Chevrolet” or the McKenzie Brothers’ “Twelve Days of Christmas,” but hey, they are fun anyway.

And as you sing, may you have a safe and sane holiday season, a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Don Allison is a Williams County native, an author, columnist and retired editor of The Bryan Times.

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