The Bryan Times,
I have been thinking about this for quite some time now, and I believe I have finally come up with a truly revolutionary idea. This came to me when I heard that farmers might require assistance because the Chinese won’t buy their soybeans. Like a bolt out of the blue, I thought, “Why don’t we just pay farmers to not grow anything?” Think about it, without all those agriculture products clogging up the marketplace, food prices would skyrocket! Before long, we could literally starve the rest of the world into submission!
Participation would be voluntary, but we could form local citizen committees to insure that farmer with itchy tractors won’t sneak into the fields and grow things at night when the rest of us are sleeping. Infractions could be handled with community service, like plowing and discing football fields so the players don’t have to fall on that hard artificial turf or cruising the inner cities on weekends in self-propelled combines to help intimidate and deter overly aggressive Humvee drivers.
The whole program could be set up like food stamps or unemployment, generating mountains of paperwork which would be a Godsend for all the bureaucrats in Washington. Never again would a bureaucrat have to worry about losing his hard-earned federal pension or being dumped unceremoniously into the street along with his wife, their 2.5 children and one dog, to face an uncertain future.
The implications are staggering! This program could be extended to paying factory workers to not make cars or paying fishermen to not catch any fish! We might even pay North Korea to not make nuclear weapons or pay ISIS to not attack our poor troops in the Middle East! The possibilities are endless, this is truly a game-changer.
I am a humble man, so while receiving the Congressional Medal of Honor or the Nobel Prize in economics would be great, I would settle for something modest, like a huge parade with a 21-gun salute, a lifetime $100,000 a year pension and free complimentary drinks at all the gentlemen’s clubs and cigar bars in major metropolitan areas.
When Don King gets word of this and implements my program, once agian, the Democrats will be caught flat-footed and off-guard, flabbergasted and unable to react in the face of such brilliance! At some point in the future, the farmers and bureaucrats will probably erect a huge statue in my honor to commemorate my contribution to their livelihoods and pursuit of happiness.